by Dr. Jan | Apr 17, 2025 | General, Anxiety, PTSD-Trauma, Grief & Loss, Anger, Communication, Transitions, Stress
A story of fear, healing, and reclaiming power.
I still feel a flicker of embarrassment when I admit I fell for a scam in the early days of COVID. But over time, I’ve come to see that moment not as a sign of weakness, but as a deeply human response in an overwhelming time.
I’m sharing the story here not to relive it—but because the healing that followed gave me hard-won insight. Maybe it’ll help you, or someone you love, recognize the signs sooner or feel less alone if it ever happens.
The Setup
It was early 2020. The world was shutting down. I was navigating a divorce, solo parenting, doing a cleanse, and juggling work as a therapist—all while trying to keep my business alive in a landscape that changed daily.
I wouldn’t have normally answered a call from an unknown number, but I was expecting a call about a grant I desperately needed to help my fledgling business stay afloat. So, I picked up.
On the other end: someone claiming to be with the police department. They said I’d failed to appear in court and there was now a warrant for my arrest. The person spoke calmly, professionally. When I asked questions, they had convincing answers. The phone number matched the real local station. The names they gave me were actual officers on file.
And when I pushed for more information, they told me—firmly but politely—that they couldn’t share more due to confidentiality laws. I looked up the statute they cited. It was real.
That’s when my nervous system started to spiral.
Hooked
They told me the likely explanation was identity theft—a forged signature, perhaps—and that I could come to the station to verify it. But because of COVID closures, the clerk’s office wasn’t open. I’d have to pay a fine first before sorting it out. They reassured me it was fully refundable.
The method of payment didn’t come up until later. By then, I was hooked—emotionally and mentally depleted. They kept saying things like, “Never pay with a credit card—that’s how people get scammed.” And because every process was strange during COVID, their explanation didn’t seem that odd.
My biggest fear? That if I didn’t cooperate, the police would come to my house. My daughter would watch me be taken away in a cop car and have to sit in a station, exposed to COVID, while they figured it out. The “officer” on the line even spoke to her on speakerphone—calm, warm, reassuring. I texted my ex to come get her. Thankfully, he did.
Once my daughter was safe, “Dave the cop” started bonding with me over being a single parent. It wasn’t just manipulation—it was relationship-building. He was disarming and persistent.
When he eventually told me how to pay, I asked him to walk me through one step at a time. I couldn’t process more than that. I was so dysregulated, I just wanted it to be over. So, I followed instructions: buying Visa-type cash cards from multiple stores, sealing them in manila envelopes, dropping them into various post office boxes, and calling back to report the verification codes.
I was on the phone for hours. Driving. Crying. Obeying. When I slowed down, a harsher “supervisor” voice came on to pressure me. Then Dave would return to soothe me. It was classic good cop/bad cop. And it worked.
The Crash
After five frantic hours, they thanked me for my cooperation and ended the call. I exhaled. Called my ex. Told him everything was handled.
He paused and said, gently: “I hope I’m wrong, but just call the police. I think you’ve been scammed.”
The officer who came to my house? He sounded *exactly* like the scammers. Same tone, same jokey demeanor, same repetitive phrasing. I was shaken all over again.
I retraced my steps—literally—using my phone’s location history to visit every post office from the night before. I spoke to clerks. Some envelopes hadn’t been processed yet. A few cards were still inactive, and I was able to cancel them.
But others had already been deposited. When I called one of the card companies, they said, “That’s odd—everything’s going into one account. But we can’t tell you whose.” The police didn’t pursue it further. Most companies didn’t help. Some put me on hold endlessly. Others simply wouldn’t engage.
It was a gut punch to realize that these businesses profit from scams and don’t have much incentive to intervene.
And then, as if to twist the knife, I got a voicemail the next day. A man—same type of voice—offering to buy my property in cash. The day after that, another message. Angry now. Accusing me of crushing his dreams by not responding. They knew I needed money. They weren’t finished trying.
That’s the story. But this part—the aftermath—is the most important piece.
What I learned
It can happen to anyone. The shame is what keeps people silent. But smart, savvy people get scammed all the time. A tech-genius friend of mine had his identity hijacked. A therapist I know was catfished for months. And she admitted to judging me at first—until it happened to her. Scammers tailor their tactics to your identity, your profession, your needs, your stress. And with AI and voice cloning, it’s only getting harder to tell what’s real.
Urgency is a red flag
If someone insists I act fast, they’re protecting their interests, not mine. On a smaller level, even my kids do this when they are only thinking of wanting sugar, not me dealing with the sugar aftermath. Very few things are truly urgent. If someone resists me slowing down, that’s a cue to pause, not rush.
I don’t have to do hard things alone
I struggle with asking for help. But now I know: even when I can handle something alone, it doesn’t mean I should. Especially not when emotions are running high. Anyone against me talking to a friend in hard times is also a schmuck.
Fear scrambles my thinking
When I’m afraid, my chest flutters, my arms want to shake, and I get an urge to move fast—just to get it over with. Recognizing that pattern helps me catch it sooner. I understand how people do horrible things if they are terrified and semi-brain washed.
I am my own authority
No external force, not even the police, can override my inner wisdom. My world is my own queendom; I try to use my own power responsibly. That day cracked open the “good girl” in me—the one who wants to please, follow rules, stay safe. That version doesn’t serve me anymore.
The universe still conspires for me
I wished for the money back. I didn’t know how or when—but I shared that wish with others anyway. And in small, surprising ways, it came back to me. Vulnerability opened that door. I spoke up. And people showed up.
*****
I think it’s important for everyone to know that scams are evolving, but we are evolving too. I’d like to help clients who have experienced this get through the shame. Most of all, I want to get the healing lessons out there. Thankfully, more people are talking and writing about scams (such as https://www.thecut.com/article/amazon-scam-call-ftc-arrest-warrants.html)
If you’ve experienced this—or something like it—you’re not alone. We also need to talk about the deeper emotional tools: slowing down, listening to our bodies, and reaching out when fear tries to isolate us.
I don’t live by these lessons every day. But I return to them, again and again. That’s what healing looks like—not a finish line, but a rhythm.
BPS therapist
Roslynn Regnery, LPC, authored this page. Roslynn works with children ages 0-10 and adults ages 20-60. She also works with parents around communication skills.
by Dr. Jan | Jan 12, 2020 | Communication, General, Depression-Bipolar, Anxiety, Anger, School Issues, Social Issues, Parenting Difficulties, Transitions, Stress, Teen Issues
Building Resiliency in Ourselves
I don’t know about you, but as the school year ramps up, my overall stress has also been ramped up. It’s just a lot to manage, both as a parent and as a young person. We are all feeling the stress of transition. And then we add in all of the other fear and uncertainty going on in the world and it is hard to find any peace in our systems. We can’t control everything going on around us and we can’t control everything that our kids are going through, but we can build our own ability to cope and be resilient in the face of it all. As our nervous systems become more regulated, we are better able to stay calm, think more clearly, and move through stressful situations with more ease. Additionally, if we are regulated, then it is more likely that those around us (kids, partners, co-workers) will also be able to feel more regulated too.
So, when you notice your shoulders tensing and thoughts racing and your irritation growing, take a moment to breath by focusing on your breath coming in and out of the area around your heart at a count of 5 on the inhale and 5 on the exhale. As you do this, focus on a feeling of love or ease and let this feeling wash over you for a few minutes. Practice regulating your nervous system by calming your breathing a few times a day and notice if you start to feel a increased overall sense of calm or at least, the ability to calm down more easily.
Written by Harmony Barrett Isaacs, LPC
by Jan Hittelman | Nov 30, 2015 | Transitions, Teen Issues, Parenting Difficulties, Early Childhood
By: Dr. Jan Hittelman
As parents, we all share in our child’s roller coaster ride of transitioning up the educational ladder from preschool right up to college. How we transition from one rung to another can be the difference between success and failure. This month’s newsletter focuses on transitions, with great advice inside for helping both elementary and secondary students experience success.
In addition to focusing on transitions like moving up from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school, our children, as well as ourselves, are all going through constant transition, whether we are aware of it or not. The word “Transition” literally means “The process of change” and transitioning successfully is really about how we adapt to change. While it is difficult to be fully aware of it, from moment to moment, everything is in a constant state of change: our bodies, technology, our planet, everyone we know, everything that exists. At the same time, many people are actually resistant to change, typically because there is comfort in what’s familiar, along with a fear of potential negative outcomes. Moreover, when we struggle with transitioning, it is often because of negative expectations, worries, or fears, like the elementary child panicked about being able to open their locker in middle school. What makes things even more challenging is that most of us have a tendency to focus on the negative more than the positive. Thus negative expectations come naturally and positive ones take effort. The good news is that with just a little effort we can make small shifts in our expectations from negative to positive, which can cumulatively have a profound impact on our ability to successfully adapt to the ongoing transitions in our lives. Our dreaded anticipation of future challenges around the next turn can be transformed into seeing life as an adventure as we head forward into the great unknown.
If you want your child to be confident and successful with transitions, what better way than to model it yourself. Take time to point out the fun and adventure in things. Get into the habit of talking about positive potential outcomes in response to life transitions and brainstorm, with your child, ways to help make it so. Resisting change is like resisting life itself. The more time we take to stop and smell the roses and try to reflect on the changes going on around us, while embracing future possibilities and the blessings in our lives, the better we will be able to enjoy what is, and look forward to what will be.
by Jan Hittelman | Mar 22, 2014 | Anxiety, Grief & Loss, Anger, Early Childhood, Parenting Difficulties, Communication, Transitions, Stress
By Jenny Key, LCSW
My earliest memories center on our lively, red-haired family member, Donovan. He was the star of our summer outings, ate too much birthday cake, and made holidays chaotic. He was my constant companion and first adventure buddy. I recall vividly, despite my young age of four, when I realized that Donavan was missing. I walked into my mom’s room as she was making her bed and asked where Donovan had gone. Like most moms, she struggled with how to tell her child the beloved family dog died.
Be Authentic
Coping with pet loss can be a difficult, yet cathartic time for families. It is often a child’s first experience of death. Parents struggle with if, when, and how to involve children in this process. Instincts tell you to protect them from the pain of pet loss, while logic argues that they should understand that death is a part of life. The grieving process is unique for each family member, but when approached with openness and patience, it provides an opportunity to become closer.
There are many factors to consider when helping children cope with pet loss. First, remember that you are working through this together. As the parent, you are the guide and model, but it is okay to admit your own feelings of grief. Parents often want to hide their sadness in order to keep from burdening children. In most cases, being transparent with your emotions will give them permission to share theirs. Be mindful that your son or daughter may react differently to pet loss than you do, or even than other children of similar age.
Age Considerations
Parents seek to understand age-appropriate ways to incorporate children in the illness and death process. Although developmental stages are helpful, your gut will tell you how much they are ready to know. Most children from the age of two will have a sense of grief that comes with pet loss. While they may not be able to comprehend death as a permanent state until after the age of seven, you should be transparent and truthful.
Most of you can recall a story like Donovan’s: mom panicked and said the pet went to live on a farm. Children sense that this explanation is not plausible, which causes them confusion or perhaps more distress. Because they are learning about the permanence of death, they wonder why a part of the family was taken away. They also may link their actions to the pet’s removal from the house. Reassure your children they were not the cause of the pet’s death. For younger ages, provide enough information so they understand their friend was sick. With older children, give more details as necessary.
Children often react in ways that seem idiosyncratic or inappropriate, but this is especially true for teens. Some may act out or express anger in situations not directly related to the loss. Parents want them to confront their feelings directly by talking about the death. If your child is not ready, offering patience with their emotional ups and downs will better serve them. Refrain from having a timeframe for grief resolution.
Create a Memorial
Make your home an accepting environment for all respectful reactions to grief. Some children may accept death readily, having no reaction. For others, reactions may come at a later time. Involving your children in a memorial can help them find peace. Ask them to do something in memory of the pet, like make a collage together or pick out picture frames for a pet corner in your home. Invite them to write a letter to your pet saying goodbye as a way of helping them express their feelings.
Finally, when your family has suffered a pet loss, allow for extra time together. Going for a drive, taking a walk, or similar activities promote conversation naturally. Respond to their thoughts with validation, seeking to know more. If they choose to be silent, soak up the extra moments with your family, feeling gratitude for the time shared. A pet enters into your life for a few precious moments and teaches your children about unconditional love, but their lessons stay in your family’s heart forever.
by Jan Hittelman | Feb 22, 2014 | Addictions, PTSD-Trauma, LGBTQ, Eating Issues, Anger, School Issues, Social Issues, Attachment, Parenting Difficulties, Communication, Transitions, Substance Abuse, Anxiety, Stress
8 Common Anxiety Symptoms and a Few Ways to Begin to Cool Off
By Rachael Bonaiuto, LPC
When you have anxiety, it’s easy to feel like others don’t understand what you’re going through. Anxiety itself can make you feel as though you’re suffering from symptoms, worries and concerns that are not only pronounced – they also feel inherent. Despite how personal this anxiety is to you, the truth is that anxiety is surprisingly common. I witness anxiety symptoms in most people I encounter on a daily basis – clients, students, friends, and family – in the store, at the bank, even at a red light. Anxiety is uncomfortable at best, and can become paralyzing and defeating. And it is common…. so incredibly common.
You are at home, preparing to go to a dinner party with work colleagues. You don’t want to go, you dread it, you think of reasons not to go, fantasize about your favorite elastic-waisted pants and the flavor ice cream that would accompany the movie night you’d rather have. You finally surrender to going, but begin to notice tightness in your chest. As you stare, hot and bothered, at your closet of ‘not quite right’ clothes, your neck begins to hurt and the pain causes even more fear. You snap at your partner, who gently reminds you that you need to get going. You ignore the texts from co-workers asking you if you’ve left your house yet. You can barely breath and you are frozen. You are experiencing anxiety and it is profoundly challenging.
So, what are some common symptoms of anxiety? Below are eight typical symptoms of anxiety and a few ways to manage this persistent condition.
- You feel constantly worried, tense and on edge
- You are plagued by fears that you know are irrational but just can’t shake
- You avoid situations/activities because they cause you nervousness & stress
- You have difficulty thinking, speaking, and following conversations
- You experience pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, or immobility
- Your body temperature increases or decreases without external reason
- You feel chest tremors, pounding heart, and/or labored breathing
- You don’t feel like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb
Many common anxiety symptoms show up in your body. You may first experience a knot in your stomach, and then you realize you are totally freaked out about an upcoming presentation. You feel a rapid heartbeat and tightness in your chest and later notice that you are completely anxious to drive in snowy weather. Your jaw is clenched and your breath is constricted just before you unleash the pent up worry and resulting irritability toward your child. If you can begin to notice the signals from your body that suggest you are anxious, you may find opportunity to take pause, check in, and navigate what you need in the moment.
Here are a few body-oriented tips for how to deal with anxiety:
1. Pause:
- Find pause through breath. Inhale. Exhale. Feel your belly rise and fall. Notice the air come in through your nostrils and exit out your lips.
- Find pause through your senses. Pause to notice what you see. What do you hear and smell? Can you feel your clothes against your body? Experience your feet in your shoes, on the floor. Can you taste the salt on your lips or the flavor from your most recent meal?
- Find pause through movement. Go for a walk. Put on your favorite song and dance. Shake it out. Stretch your arms wide. Spread your legs and feel your feet rooted into the earth. Put your hands on your heart or give yourself a massage.
2. Check In:
- Notice what is happening with your breath, senses, movements
- Notice, without judgment, what thoughts and feelings you have
- Simply observe what is happening in your inner landscape
- Scan your body for tension, tightness, fear, irritability, disorientation
3. Take care:
- Ask yourself what you need? Remind yourself (or have someone else remind you) that it is okay to have needs.
- If you are having trouble accessing what you need, take another pause, a longer pause, lie on the earth and feel it beneath you.
- If you are in need of support, ask for help – from a friend, a loved one or a professional.
Anxiety can negatively impact your quality of life – the way you show up for others and for yourself. Knowing the common symptoms of anxiety can help you recognize when you or a loved one is experiencing unease. When you realize you feel anxious, it can be so valuable to pause, check in and take care of yourself in the moment. Building a deeper understanding of the symptoms and an awareness of what is happening in your body can provide access to your available resources through breath, sensation and movement. When you have access to your internal resources, you can also appreciate more deeply when you need additional support and when you are able to navigate your internal terrain on your own. This self-awareness provides empowerment, freedom and a deeper sense of compassion for self and other. Most importantly, if you are experiencing significant anxiety, seek professional help. Psychotherapy can be very effective in providing relief from the debilitating symptoms of anxiety.
