by Jan Hittelman | Nov 30, 2015 | Early Childhood, School Issues, Parenting Difficulties, Stress, Teen Issues
By: Dr. Jan Hittelman
While most students strive for academic success, many struggle to consistently perform at a level commensurate with their potential. Each year, so many students start out strong, but as the school year progresses they hit a slump and may even struggle to pass their classes at the end of the school year. Too often parents find themselves relegated to enforcer and chief; frequently checking on progress, providing endless reminders to get homework done and make-up missing assignments, which usually leads to arguments rather than desired results. A more effective approach is to use an empowerment strategy where your child takes increasing ownership of their academic responsibilities, so that when college rolls around, your child has the skills necessary to meet with success. This effort should start early. While some students have unique learning challenges that may require special consideration, by the beginning of middle school if not sooner students should be in charge of their academic life. As parents we play a critical role of providing support and advice, but should not be overseeing everything… that’s their job. Consider the following approach:
- At a positive moment, initiate a discussion with your child about the upcoming school year.
- Allow everyone to share what went well and what didn’t in years past.
- FIRST, offer to change your approach as a parent and encourage your child to provide constructive feedback and more specifically how you can better support your child in the future. Agree to try and implement any/all reasonable suggestions. AFTERWARDS, provide feedback to your child and offer your own ideas and suggestions.
- After mutual agreement/negotiation, agree to an “Experiment” for a finite period of time (e.g 2-4 weeks) to try and implement the agreed upon suggestions, with a feedback session scheduled on the calendar when that timeframe is reached.
- At the feedback session, try and focus first on any/all positives and only then focus on areas in need of improvement. Only make modifications that are mutually agreed to and restart the experiment clock.
by Jan Hittelman | Nov 30, 2015 | Attachment, Parenting Difficulties, Communication, Stress, Anxiety, Anger, Early Childhood
By: Dr. Jan Hittelman
Our priorities in life not only drive our day-to-day activities but also directly influence our life goals, thoughts, feelings, and interactions with others. For better or worse, our culture steers us towards achievement, prosperity, and material wealth. Who doesn’t want to live in a big house full of cool stuff? But sooner or later we come to realize that the old adage that money can’t buy happiness remains true. How would the quality of our lives change if we made experiencing joy and laughter a priority? The Mayo clinic reports that laughter not only feels good but also is good for your health. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen, stimulates your heart, lungs, and muscles, increases the release of endorphins, and improves your immune system. Laughter also stimulates circulation and enhances muscle relaxation, which reduces the symptoms of stress. Also, in addition to reducing depression, laughter can improve our ability to cope with challenges in life and relate better to others. When people are asked what they would do if they had only six months to live, most opt for doing fun things, not making more money and buying a bigger house. That’s a clue that for most of us, our priorities are out of whack. And while we likely have more than six months, our time is more precious than we realize and we would all be well-served by making joy, laughter, and fun a bigger priority in our lives.
This dynamic impacts family life as well. How much of our family time is joyous? Do we over-prioritize the small stuff like getting to bed on time, brushing teeth, and room cleaning instead? These things are important, but more important than experiencing joy and happiness as a family? Assuming we all just have six months to live, let’s make this, our last Spring Break holiday special. Let’s make our family’s joy, laughter, and happiness the priority this year. And if we are really lucky, maybe we will get to do it again next year, let alone throughout the year. Interestingly enough, if we did so we are also likely to see our achievement and prosperity increase as well. So get out there and have a few laughs and take a moment to appreciate the wonder of life and the joy of family.
by Jan Hittelman | Nov 30, 2015 | Early Childhood, Parenting Difficulties, Transitions, Teen Issues
By: Dr. Jan Hittelman
As parents, we all share in our child’s roller coaster ride of transitioning up the educational ladder from preschool right up to college. How we transition from one rung to another can be the difference between success and failure. This month’s newsletter focuses on transitions, with great advice inside for helping both elementary and secondary students experience success.
In addition to focusing on transitions like moving up from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school, our children, as well as ourselves, are all going through constant transition, whether we are aware of it or not. The word “Transition” literally means “The process of change” and transitioning successfully is really about how we adapt to change. While it is difficult to be fully aware of it, from moment to moment, everything is in a constant state of change: our bodies, technology, our planet, everyone we know, everything that exists. At the same time, many people are actually resistant to change, typically because there is comfort in what’s familiar, along with a fear of potential negative outcomes. Moreover, when we struggle with transitioning, it is often because of negative expectations, worries, or fears, like the elementary child panicked about being able to open their locker in middle school. What makes things even more challenging is that most of us have a tendency to focus on the negative more than the positive. Thus negative expectations come naturally and positive ones take effort. The good news is that with just a little effort we can make small shifts in our expectations from negative to positive, which can cumulatively have a profound impact on our ability to successfully adapt to the ongoing transitions in our lives. Our dreaded anticipation of future challenges around the next turn can be transformed into seeing life as an adventure as we head forward into the great unknown.
If you want your child to be confident and successful with transitions, what better way than to model it yourself. Take time to point out the fun and adventure in things. Get into the habit of talking about positive potential outcomes in response to life transitions and brainstorm, with your child, ways to help make it so. Resisting change is like resisting life itself. The more time we take to stop and smell the roses and try to reflect on the changes going on around us, while embracing future possibilities and the blessings in our lives, the better we will be able to enjoy what is, and look forward to what will be.
by Jan Hittelman | Nov 30, 2015 | Social Issues, Parenting Difficulties, Stress, Anxiety, Early Childhood, School Issues
By: Dr. Jan Hittelman
There’s a big difference between skills and abilities. While we are born with certain natural abilities, skills are learned and require practice to develop. It is important to remember that our children are not born with good social skills, but learn these skills through modeling and practice. There are numerous research studies that highlight the importance of healthy social skill development and their impact on academic development, school success, as well as success later in life. Conversely, children with poor social skills are at increased risk of difficulties in interpersonal relationships, peer rejection, poor academic performance, signs of depression/aggression/anxiety, and are at higher risk of involvement in the criminal justice system as adults. Social skill deficits can also impact school safety and have been a factor in the recent rash of school shootings.
In addition to focusing on developing good academic skills, we must also prioritize our children’s development of healthy social behaviors. Important components of good social skills include: nonverbal communication skills, empathy, problem solving skills, and conflict resolution skills. Here are some strategies parents can use to promote healthy social skill development:
- Importance of good role models: A lot of what your child knows regarding social interaction is learned at home, not just from parents but also from siblings. Making conscious efforts to discuss, practice, and reinforce prosocial skills can make a huge difference.
- Provide opportunities for social interaction: Ensure that your child has plenty of unstructured time to play and interact with others, as well as involvement in structured afterschool activities, will provide them with the critical opportunities for practice.
- Teach Problem Solving Skills: Help your child develop problem solving skills by following these simple steps: Identify the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, predict the probable outcome for each solution, and choose the one that has the highest probability of success; if it fails choose another solution.
- If needed, consider enrolling your child in an effective social skills group: Find a licensed therapist in the community who offers structured social skills training for your child’s age group.
Perhaps we need to start thinking about the four “Rs” in education: Reading, wRiting, aRithmetic, and Relationships. I’ve never met an elementary student who didn’t feel that recess was too short or a secondary student who didn’t wish that they had less homework in order to socialize more with friends. Maybe they’re onto something.
by Jan Hittelman | Mar 22, 2014 | Anxiety, Grief & Loss, Anger, Early Childhood, Parenting Difficulties, Communication, Transitions, Stress
By Jenny Key, LCSW
My earliest memories center on our lively, red-haired family member, Donovan. He was the star of our summer outings, ate too much birthday cake, and made holidays chaotic. He was my constant companion and first adventure buddy. I recall vividly, despite my young age of four, when I realized that Donavan was missing. I walked into my mom’s room as she was making her bed and asked where Donovan had gone. Like most moms, she struggled with how to tell her child the beloved family dog died.
Be Authentic
Coping with pet loss can be a difficult, yet cathartic time for families. It is often a child’s first experience of death. Parents struggle with if, when, and how to involve children in this process. Instincts tell you to protect them from the pain of pet loss, while logic argues that they should understand that death is a part of life. The grieving process is unique for each family member, but when approached with openness and patience, it provides an opportunity to become closer.
There are many factors to consider when helping children cope with pet loss. First, remember that you are working through this together. As the parent, you are the guide and model, but it is okay to admit your own feelings of grief. Parents often want to hide their sadness in order to keep from burdening children. In most cases, being transparent with your emotions will give them permission to share theirs. Be mindful that your son or daughter may react differently to pet loss than you do, or even than other children of similar age.
Age Considerations
Parents seek to understand age-appropriate ways to incorporate children in the illness and death process. Although developmental stages are helpful, your gut will tell you how much they are ready to know. Most children from the age of two will have a sense of grief that comes with pet loss. While they may not be able to comprehend death as a permanent state until after the age of seven, you should be transparent and truthful.
Most of you can recall a story like Donovan’s: mom panicked and said the pet went to live on a farm. Children sense that this explanation is not plausible, which causes them confusion or perhaps more distress. Because they are learning about the permanence of death, they wonder why a part of the family was taken away. They also may link their actions to the pet’s removal from the house. Reassure your children they were not the cause of the pet’s death. For younger ages, provide enough information so they understand their friend was sick. With older children, give more details as necessary.
Children often react in ways that seem idiosyncratic or inappropriate, but this is especially true for teens. Some may act out or express anger in situations not directly related to the loss. Parents want them to confront their feelings directly by talking about the death. If your child is not ready, offering patience with their emotional ups and downs will better serve them. Refrain from having a timeframe for grief resolution.
Create a Memorial
Make your home an accepting environment for all respectful reactions to grief. Some children may accept death readily, having no reaction. For others, reactions may come at a later time. Involving your children in a memorial can help them find peace. Ask them to do something in memory of the pet, like make a collage together or pick out picture frames for a pet corner in your home. Invite them to write a letter to your pet saying goodbye as a way of helping them express their feelings.
Finally, when your family has suffered a pet loss, allow for extra time together. Going for a drive, taking a walk, or similar activities promote conversation naturally. Respond to their thoughts with validation, seeking to know more. If they choose to be silent, soak up the extra moments with your family, feeling gratitude for the time shared. A pet enters into your life for a few precious moments and teaches your children about unconditional love, but their lessons stay in your family’s heart forever.
by Jan Hittelman | Feb 22, 2014 | Early Childhood, Attachment, Adoption, Parenting Difficulties, Communication, Transitions, Stress
By Debbie Mayer, LCSW
Mindfulness parenting is all the rage these days, and there’s good reason for it. The general idea behind mindfulness is the ability to practice being present and aware without judgment. Now, combining this approach with parenting is not necessarily what you might instinctually think to do. ‘You mean, you want me to be more present when my child is screaming at me?? Those are the times I want to check out most!’ If you are able to tune into your experience in the moment – such as feeling overwhelmed, judging yourself for the fact that your child is upset (“If only I would have…then he wouldn’t be acting this way”), finding that you are checking out (“I wish she would just stop yelling all the time” vs. “wow, she’s really feeling overwhelmed right now”) – then you are already practicing mindfulness! As awareness increases, so does an ability to focus on being more present, which can result in your child feeling more heard and respected as well as you feeling less focused on what’s driving you crazy.
As a parent myself, I can easily find focusing on what I think might need to get done and get lost from what is presently happening. Just the other night when my child was having a more challenging night going to bed, and I was exhausted from a long day myself; I found my thoughts drifting off to what I wanted to get done that night. Fortunately I caught myself in this pattern, and stopped to pay attention to the present moment. What was my child asking of me? What was my child’s emotional need in this moment? How could I be more present for my child and support my child during this challenging time? What I found was, the more I was able to be fully present with my child, the more calm the environment became as an experienced sense of understanding was incorporated into our interaction.
While mindfulness parenting encompasses many aspects I’m going to explore a few areas specifically: being able to slow down to heighten awareness, increase a connection with your child, and letting go of judgment.
Let’s first look at the idea of slowing down to increase your sense of awareness. This can be supported by asking yourself questions like: What is going on around me? What sounds do I notice? What am I feeling? What is my child feeling? When you are able to recognize that your thoughts are drifting off away from what is happening in the present, you are better able to be attuned to your child’s needs and meet your child where he or she is. The more ‘distant’ you are, the more your child may be expressing himself in ways to seek your attention. When you are able to connect and be truly present, your child will know and respond in ways that acknowledge you are there. When you are present with your child you can often experience a sense of slowing down life, being in the moment, not the past or future, but there actively with your child. This can happen at nighttime like how I shared above, during playtime in the day, at meals, in the car, at the grocery store, in a museum, or at the park.
Another benefit of incorporating mindfulness practice into parenting, is increasing a connection with your child. When you connect deeply with your child on her or his level, where your child knows you are present and desire to be there, your child is experiencing being valued, loved, and respected. Attachment theory teaches us how children’s sense of self is increased when they have a relationship where they experience being safe and feeling secure. Mindfulness parenting goes hand in hand with this notion; when you are placing your attention in the present moment you are able to enjoy singing a song with your child, delighting in them running on the soccer field, feeling the cold of the snow together, or laughing together as you bite into yet another piece of burnt toast. These connections are building blocks for your child in building a healthy sense of self-esteem, and in time feeling confident in abilities for school, peer relationships, sports, future romantic relationships, employee interactions, etc.
The third area I’ll talk about here is practicing mindfulness parenting without judgment. In discussing the many benefits children can receive through mindfulness parenting, there is also the support we provide ourselves. Mindfulness parenting can help you not only practice increasing your awareness to the present, but also to not judge yourself. Practicing letting go of thoughts such as: My child is upset, I should have… or I’m no good at this mindfulness thing, I keep thinking about all the things that need to get done. The reality is thoughts will drift in and out, that is natural. When we treat ourselves with kindness verses judgment we are more likely to treat our children that way too. I am having a hard time being present right now, that is ok. Let me tune back in to what my child is doing… or I realize now that I could have handled that situation differently, I’ll talk with them to repair that situation. Judgment can come from voices in our past (parents, teachers, friends, experiences), however being able to free ourselves from those to truly be in the moment with our child is an invaluable experience for both parent and child.
I challenge you to find one way today to incorporate an aspect of mindfulness parenting with your child. Find a time where you notice that you are smiling and connecting with your child, where you find your thoughts drifting off and you say that’s ok but now I’m going to tune back into being here, where you feel overwhelmed and need to take a break, or you find an activity your child enjoys and spend time noticing what it is about the activity that truly makes your child happy. And remember, practicing mindfulness parenting is just that, a practice! Feel free to welcome the days it’s easier and the days it’s more challenging. Practice at your own pace, and explore how mindfulness parenting fits for you and your family.
Debbie Mayer, LCSW helped create the content for this page. Debbie is a licensed clinical social worker who has been helping families with parenting issues since 2002. Debbie has specialized training to work with very young children, including infants, and their families.
